a dreamer's reality

As it always was. She never cared.

Haha. It's just funny how I realise this a little too late and a little too certainly. Then again it isn't really a little too late nor a little too certainly. It is a freaking lot of late and a freaking lot of certainty involved. But I digress.

There isn't much point going on like this much longer, you know. It's not like there's any way to turn things around any more. I'm just a whole big load of mistakes and regrets, and a whole load of "why didn't I realise?" and a lot of time machine wishes.

They say if you believe in something, it will come true. I guess I just never believed in anything hard enough. I was distracted by the butterfly that was fluttering about near the fields. But then again, life has always been like that.

Maybe if I had a little more courage to allow my life to be a little more screwed up, maybe then, just maybe though, I would have some closure to everything. Just like last semester. Even though I sure didn't get closure that time. At least not until a long time later, when I made up my mind to move on.

So here I am. Back at where I started. And still exactly square one. With similar emotions, and with the same, may I even say exact, same situation I was six months ago. You know, I've tried very hard to convince myself that all this was not meant to be. But when I look to the future, it isn't the most pleasant one. I've tried to be optimistic. Heck, I can be optimistic about everything. Everything but this.

It's not like I've been brought up in a bleak black-and-white world or anything. I think I can thank my parents, and I haven't been doing that a lot, for giving my rosy-coloured glasses to fill my world with rainbows and butterflies and the most colourful things in the world.

But things haven't been fine. Really. Things haven't been fine. I could play pretend all day long, and I think everybody wouldn't notice a thing. I'm actually that good. If not for this ranting space of mine, I think I can safely say that nobody would ever suspect anything wrong with my life, unless I tell them myself.

Well, blame my friend for all this. I didn't want to think about any of this, but I ended up doing so because my hand was itchy. I honestly miss the days when they would be there for me. Even though it was a short period, I really had fun. And they actually made a very big difference in my life, at least now I think so, even if I didn't realise its enormity back then.

Darn. You know, amidst all this confusion and emotional mix-up, I think I've uncovered the source of it all.

If only I could take love as something less serious. I'm just afraid to give it to any person...

You know what, screw ranting and rambling. I'm done with it. Nothing comes out of it. I don't even know what I'm writing all the time. Words just tumble out of my mouth and I usually regret everything I wrote the next morning anyway. I just want my old life back, but I guess I'm going to have to live with this.

It's been a long time since I've been truly happy. Because even with all that euphoria around, numbness is still my default state.

Can somebody give me a band-aid for my heart? It's bleeding out and leaving a hole behind.

S.H.E. - 戀人未滿

Well, I'm back on Tumblr again. This time, I'm going to stay for good, I think. The last time I was on, I was filled with awesome posts and a feeling I want to run away from updating myself with the gargantuan amount of follows I made. But this time, I'm going to follow less people, for one, and secondly, it's now more about me keeping track of the things I found interesting. I've actually thought of going to Facebook before, but somehow it's just a little too AA (attract attention, not the batteries) for me. Plus, I don't keep myself on Facebook a lot. Too many strangers, too many unfamiliar people, not much point.

Also, I might be bring back the kind of one-liner posts I used to do with my thought logs here. Because writing a blog post is just too much sometimes. And you damn well know that there are some things that words can't do justice to.

Well, there isn't really a need for me to justify myself using Tumblr actually, but I'd just like to tell whoever who is out there my plans. It's just a way of sharing. Trusting the faceless crowd.

Anyway, I think it was yesterday, or the day before that. I was on the bus, and I had another one of those thoughts. You see, I've never been much of the hard worker before. (Even now, I'm still slacking, but that's another story.) I've always had it the easy way. My life wasn't that rough, and it's been really a smooth-sailing ride for me. But other people, they aren't like that. They get to experience working very hard to get the results they want. And when they achieve it, there's a pleasant satisfaction, and feel-good moment feeling to it. And this kind of hardship is also what brings people together. One person working diligently can share the experience with another few people. And it makes a lot of difference. Because at the end of it all, they can say “We did it together.”

And that's what I'm missing. I could be studying with people. It's not that I can't. But when I do, I'm not studying most of the time. Or I'll be done with what I've planned for, and more, and others would still be stuck in their books. I've seen it happen before. Maybe it's just how I treat studies — read till you understand, make sure you understand, then you're done with it — which most other people don't share. But maybe it's just my brain. Maybe it's designed to help me learn fast. Which is good from a survival point-of-view, until you factor in the group experience, which I've learnt to be a game-changing factor in living. But oh well, I'm still striving for excellence now. It's really darn hard. Really.

You know, actually, I really want to feel that feeling of working very hard. That feeling of “I'm putting all my effort into this, and it's going to reap me tons of benefits” that I've seen so many people do before. Yes, they do slack now and then, but at the same time, they're mugging like crazy. Or maybe it's because my definition of mugging like crazy does not seem to include me. But I doubt it.

Then again, I'm already feeling a lot of the things I've never felt before. University, indeed, is a place for a lot of firsts. It's been a mere year and a half since I've touched ground in NUS, but I think it's a very filling experience. (Even though I've wasted a lot of time slacking.)

Oh yeah. That reminds me. I've been reading up on interpersonal effectiveness again, courtesy of GEK1006, and I realise that I have slightly too many self-fallacies. But at the end of the day, I'm not very sure what to make of it.

One of them, as always, is perfectionism, but that's fine by me, really, because it's doing me some good now, although it was a very bad thing before. But I'm really more concerned about the thing called “taking responsibility of others”. You see, I'm the kind of person who really wants the world to all be happy. And I hate hurting people. Especially if I can avoid it. So thus begins part of why I had a very large headache before this. But is it really that wrong? Maybe I'm just attributing too much to the single cause fallacy. I'm not that large of a factor anyway.

Also, there is no such thing as a diplomatic hand grenade. If you're going to hurt somebody, you're going to hurt somebody. It doesn't matter how nicely you put it, how gently you drop the grenade on the floor. If it injures, it will injure. And it will hurt like hell. Sometimes even more if you try to soften the blow.

I'm going to make a list of things to remember to do and say when I'm communicating, so I generally just become better at caring. Because I so love that.

And I have I think about 11 books from the library with me, all of them almost untouched, but borrowed simply because I happened to enter the library, and I can't resist taking a book or two back each time. It always happens. I guess that's what you get for being a bookworm. Just can't stop having more and more books.

Well, I was browsing through, and was supposed to be looking for Paul Ekman's books on microexpressions and stuff, when I found David Allen's Getting Things Done instead. And I'm right now halfway through the book, and going to implement some of the ideas after exams.

Yeah, that's about it. Oh! By the way did you know that Winter Sonata now has an anime? It's in Korean, but with Japanese subs because it's for Japan. And it reuses the soundtrack from the original drama. I just happened to see it hanging around and couldn't miss the chance to grab it, and guess what, I was near euphoria. It was so awesome. I just had this almost going insane feeling in my body. Almost made me couldn't sleep last night.

Which reminds me. I got a new 1.5TB external yesterday. Yes, it's a really wasteful buy, but I really need that space for all my downloaded goodness. My current storage is nearing full already. Heh.

Yes. That actually about wraps it up. I shall stop rambling about my nice things and continue studying or sleep. It's almost 4am anyway. And I should sleep.

Well, it started raining in the afternoon just now, and I had almost given up on the chance of even witnessing any meteor showers at night. But by 10pm, the rain had stopped. And I thought, maybe, I could see some after all. The sky, however, had another idea. It was cloudy.

But I didn't give up. I looked out at the sky at about 1am from the fire escape stairs and saw that it was still cloudy. I found a very nice spot to look at the sky from too. But no dice. It was cloudy.

Fast forward two hours. I didn't give up. And along with some other thought trips I took, I decided to try my luck again. And this time, the sky was clear. It was clear. I was stunned by the clearness, and, oh, the stars I could see. It was simply breath-taking. So I sat there, hallucinating meteors. Well, my eyes were playing tons of tricks on me. And as I was just dallying around, staring into the vast sky, it flew right by. I almost had time to make a wish. It registered in my eyes pretty quick, but by the time I reasoned pretty well that it was a meteor, and a very bright one at that, it disappeared into the night sky, just as it entered it a mere second or two before.

Thoughts ran through my head. Things like what I would wish for if I saw another one. And thoughts of a certain girl. You see, humans, are innately greedy. Just because there was once a chance, doesn't mean you'll get another. I settled for just one wish. But you know what, I didn't get it. My wish, that is. I could have wished for her, wished for love, wished for general happiness, wished for good health, or a million other things, like her happiness, or whatever, but it didn't happen. It just was not meant to be, I guess.

Those thoughts obviously came a long long time after. First came a sudden surge of euphoria. I was stunned by it. It flew by me and I didn't even know it. Then parallels to life came in. Like how the right people (or so I thought) would be there, and then they wouldn't, and I could never recognise it until it was just too late. It was always too late.

I sat there for another good ten minutes or so. Hoping for another one. I was ready this time. But did it come? No. Clouds came in its place though. As I write this, the sky is probably full of clouds again. Just like back in September. It's always been cloudy. And the truths were always hard to see. Things that hit you in the face at the worst possible moment.

So I gave up waiting. I guess general happiness was never part of my parcel. There would always be something niggling in the dark corners of my mind. A discontentment. An unhappiness. I might have just missed my chance at happiness. This feeling sucks.

謝和弦 - 我們都成了大人

So I've been relatively normal for the past few days. I guess, ever since I unleashed my full wrath onto a piece of paper, everything just goes away. I think I finally understand what it's like to let your feelings just run through you, and just suffer every bit of it, and then, at the end of it all, let it go. Because those feelings aren't who you are. They just happen to be. And so, it's been relatively fine these few days.

I actually told my mother about the guilt trips I've been taking before this, but somehow even as I told her, I felt it was all kinda ridiculous. Like honestly, I'm not making sense at all. And I think that's good, I guess. Because it's really nonsense.

Anyway, I watched 500 Days of Summer two days ago. As part of my "getting on with life" routine that I've worked out, which is to move on from all the baggage I've collected, and just continue living. And that's kinda what 500 Days of Summer is too. Zooey Deschanel is as cute as ever, and actually, honestly speaking, I thought they looked good together on screen. They had this physical chemistry thing going on. And I liked it. A lot. It's sometimes pretty funny, but on the whole I thought it was a pretty serious affair. I mean, this guy breaks down. A lot. It's interesting though. And bittersweet.

Which brings me to another interesting thing. I've been repeating this song for the past few days now, ever since I've laid my ears on the song. While other songs do fill my music time along with it, it's been a regular come-back-to song I've been playing. And it's just so bittersweet. It's not a sad song by any means. It's like a song about life. The ups and the downs. And it's accepting it all for what it is, and thanking each and every moment for being how it is, and no different. It's like Arashi's Beautiful Days (which has been my alarm clock song for some time now, because it's loud, and it also has this saddening quality to it) because it's not a sad song by far. It's happy, if anything. Just that the meaning makes it sad. Like mourning for the days gone by.

It just feels so right.

So I didn't actually carry out my plans to hermit at all. For one, there might be some people who are in need of help somewhere out there, trying to reach for somebody, and I could be helping, instead of moping around. Another is that it's important to keep yourself around people, especially when you're feel down. Because it just kinda takes things off your head. But at the same time, I'm keeping my distance from everyone, because it's freaking exam mugging period.

The meteors will hit tonight, I hear. And I scroll over my list and find that the people I usually talk to either are early sleepers, or are mugging. So nobody to watch with me. But then again, it's not really to watch it with anybody. Just that somehow, there's this group feeling to it, I guess.

So yes, I'm starting to mug. In fact, I'm using this as procrastination to keep me away from my books. How nice. Yeah. I should go back to them soon.

Oh and before I go, I've decided to take my mind off anything relationship-related. That means effectively island-ing myself anyway, but I think I've already had enough gatherings coming up to fill me with the "joy" of friendships. Actually, I'm not even in the mood for any of the gatherings I've promised to join. At the moment, I'm not even mildly enthusiastic about it. For some reason. Maybe it's just the numbness talking.

Yeah. So back to studying. And House. :3

It's time to take one step back. Just one step at a time. Back into the shell, that shell that I've always lived in, that I've always felt comfortable in, no matter how crazy life was. I had a shell. I had a protective zone in which nothing could ever hurt me. I WANT THAT SHELL BACK.

Lately, life hasn't been treating me well. I can fake it all I want. I'll always look happy on the outside, but hey, if I'm unhappy on the inside, it hurts that much more. It hurts to put up a fake smile day after day after day after day just trying to get by. It hurts even more that at this moment, the only person I can talk to is hardly even a person. But a blog. It's public, true, and people will definitely read it, and come to loathe my existence. But I don't give a damn. I'm pissed off about life and I'm going to do what I want to do with my life.

First, I'm going to go hermit. I'm going to make sure nobody sees me anywhere. I've made my first step, cutting off MSN. It's done. I'm not going to open it at all. It's just too painful to open MSN and have nobody you can talk to. It's useless if all you can do is lurk there, as if reading other people's pains and joys can heal you. Because I've tried it a million times and IT DOES NOT FREAKING WORK.

I'm considering turning off my phone as well, since nobody ever calls me anyway, and I don't want to call anybody either. So my phone goes off. And then, I'm detached. Completely detached.

You know, I've never been the extravert. I've never been one to spill everything out to everybody I know, because I've never needed to. I've always counted on myself. And everybody usually counted on me to be there for them. At least whenever they felt like it, and whenever they needed me. They'll just be there. They will.

And I'm just not strong enough to push anybody away. I'm not strong enough to say "no", because I believe that I have enough strength to say "yes". And usually I do. Usually, that is.

But last semester has come and gone. And even though it hurt like hell then, at least it freaking hurt. At least I knew I was hurt deeply and I could cry about it and do whatever the hell I wanted. I was sad, and I was furious at life. Now? Today, I'm not even sure what I am. I am just a pool of mislabelled emotions, confused, and I have no idea what seems to be right.

I'm going to go crazy one day. I'm telling you. It's not like I want to, but more like because I need to. In order to become happy, I'm going to have to become insane. Batshit insane.

Today, I suddenly wished I was back in those days when Q was around. When I liked Q. The days of emptiness I had when she finally turned away and never looked back. And the feeling of numbness, and calmness, and serenity that everyday life filled me with. But no, today is not that day. I've moved past it all. It's so far behind, I can't even reach for it any more.

You know, I was reading Liar Game yesterday, and they were talking about trust and doubt kind of thing. Something hit me there. Trust, is not just blindly having faith in people. Trust is more about having faith even after an enormous load of doubt. Trust is about believing in somebody else, even though you have your doubts.

And I, don't trust at all. All I've done thus far is to blindly believe that people are nice. Even though I'm convinced that I do doubt people, just that I trust them, at this moment, none of that feels real to me.

You know, one day, I'm just going to end up really sad, and perhaps just ending everything there and then. Let's not lie here, but I've already thought about every single bad consequence that would happen to the people I love and care about. The practical ones, of course. I'm convinced that everybody has barely any emotional connection to me.

And so it goes. So anyway, I'm going to see some people tomorrow. I think my life will be marked with plenty of such visits. I think I need a cure for myself. But honestly, I think I'm supposed to come up with that cure myself. I'm supposed to heal myself. I have the abilities to. I just don't know how to. Or maybe I don't want to. Or I just don't have the strength to see it through. And psychiatrists talk so much about the need for a support circle. People who can support you. BUT HONESTLY I DON'T HAVE ONE. AND PEOPLE WHO USUALLY NEED ONE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE ONE. THAT'S WHY THEY DIE. THAT'S WHY THEY FREAKING DIE AND NOBODY CARES AND THE WORLD JUST GOES ON.

So yes. I'm a little unstable.

I borrowed six books on social psychology today. It was originally intended to help me with my artificial intelligence studies, but I don't think I'm going to have mood to do that any more. Deep inside, I know that I was always attracted to psychology and such things because I believed I'll never have real friends. So maybe I could understand myself, fix myself so that I don't need them, or make artificial ones that seemed like real ones anyway. And then I would be fine.

You know, every single time I write such a post, my value in society drops by a significant amount. Prospective employers come across such writings and they'll dismiss me at a glance. People who are acquaintances will probably stay away from such a person, simply because they don't want to get that disease either. And they're right to do so, actually. And people who cared, would walk away because they'll feel exactly like I do, and because of that, they withdraw.

Do you know how painful it is to care for a depressed friend? He makes you depressed all the time with his remarks. He insults you. He screams at you. He is almost always angry. And he is always sad. And it's just so scary, that at the end of it all, he may have turned out fine, but he would leave deep scars in you, that may just ruin your life instead.

I hate my life.

I guess this is it. This is goodbye.